Poker Articles

Why I Don't Play Poker Online

And, why these aren't necessarily reasons that should affect you. I would've put that in the title, however, that would have made it waaaaay too big. A lot of people, ok, two, have asked why I don't play poker online, therefore I figured it was time to put it out there, coincidentally, online, to let all of you know why, or, in this case, why not.

Long time readers of my columns that have appeared in various places may have already figured this one out, so, I invite you to wait 'til next week, when I post something almost as equally as relevant. Well, it may not be next week, my average has been every other. That having been said, the first reason is, as I'm sure you can tell by now, I'm extremely verbose.

This works fine at live poker tournaments, but not so much online, where chatting at 50 words a minute, doesn't equal the almost 500 words a minute I can speak. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten someone to fold, or better call, simply by replying to their innocuous questions or statements. Or even better, no response, and simply a look.

Which brings me to reason #2: I can see the other players, and more importantly, they can see me. Maybe these are two reasons. I once had a woman to my left look at me and ask, "If I fold, will you show me your cards?" To which I simply looked at her. Did I want to show my K7 suited to her, much less anyone? NO!!! She asked again. Still no reply from me.

She finally folded, if only to avert my death provoking stare. After she mucked, I made sure she couldn't get to my cards. I even reached across the table to make sure that she couldn't expose them. Don't know if I could've done this online, however, I probably wouldn't have needed to. I busted her out a few hands later. I may have told you about her in the past, she's the one with the big fat engagement and wedding ring.

Which alludes to the third reason I don't play online, namely, tells. Of the visual variety of course. I understand there's a site or two dedicated to online tells, however, I don't believe you can get much info from simple reading text, or interpreting how slow someone's internet connection is. Maybe they were oh, I don't know, thinking? I truly do not know if there's a way to call the clock on these guys, as I've never played online, as you saw from the title of this column.

But I digress…I was talking about tells, and how to use them to my advantage. I will be the first to admit that most of my game is indeed psychological. How I dress, act, and present myself at the table is a big part of my game. Were I to play online, most of this talent would lay waste, or at least, not be put to good use.

Furthermore, I take in all my surroundings, and adjust my play, and sometimes, my entire image, accordingly. Again, I'm not seeing how to do this online. Would I know that Paula, (that's her name), is a bored rich housewife, if I couldn't actually see her? Probably not, unless she told me. Face to face at the table, or even in the casino itself before she gets to the table, I can get a lot of info that I otherwise would not have, if I were to meet her online.

Which brings us to another point, you can't really know who's at the other keyboard. The reality of online chats and forums, and game sites is thus: Anyone can be anyone. Now, in a sport where you're basically paid to lie, this can be a good thing, however, I don't want to have to filter this additional information, do you?

Of course, there are the standard horror stories that I hear about the various online sites…. Including but not limited to, "It's fixed!!!" Because obviously, if you take a bad beat, it can't be your fault, the computer dealer must've stacked the deck. Or, there must've been collusion. All the other players got together to make sure you have a bad beat.

All the various incarnations of the horrors of online play, I'm actually ok with. Except for the part where I lose my connection. This would be unacceptable, at the same time, you can't lose your connection in live play.

Finally, there is another reason that I tend to shy away from online play, that really has nothing to do with anything I've talked about above, as it has to do with software availability for my platform. Most sites don't even provide it for me, as, I have a Mac.

72 and sunny in Redondo Beach.

e You next time....

"Matches Malone"

Editor's note: Matches Malone has been writing for us for a couple years
now, and you can read his blog notes at @ PokerAllStar.com