Why can’t we play poker? For some reason people just think that girls can’t play poker. I was pretty good in math, and my dad, an avid poker player, did a pretty good job on my poker education. He also kept me from ever being tempted by those other more acceptable “feminine” games, like slots and roulette. So to help you girls out I’m going to repeat the guidance he gave to me.

Slot machines are for suckers: If you want to give fantasy blow jobs, go to the casino and stroke the handle of one of those flashy machines. Your better off giving real ones and having your date pay for the evening. Yes dropping a few coins into a machine as you leave, in hopes of hitting a jackpot might be like playing the lottery, but never sit down and spend your time hoping to hit it big. Even Dad never left the casino with out playing Megabucks for just one pull. Even if a machine has a 99% payout, and few do, it means that for every dollar you put in. You get 99 cents back. That is a negative expectation. If you continue to put your dollars in, eventually you won’t have any. One last hint since some of us might be underage, but we can pass. If you are underage and hit a big jackpot the casino does not have to pay you the jackpot. So if you got to stroke that handle make sure that you check the small print. Some actually will tell that the jackpot is paid by the machine. You can play those, and collect your winnings. Make sure you pay attention where you put your money.

Black Jack players are often broke: There are ways to improve your expectation playing Black Jack by counting cards and betting management, but you never really get rid of the edge enjoyed by the house. The expectation in most cases is still negative. Besides that the casinos are well aware of the techniques used by card counters and have countermeasures in place, like four deck shoes, that almost eliminate any edge that the card counter might enjoy. Dad introduced me to a dealer friend and she counted the cards. When the deck became hot for the player, she simply reshuffled. With absolute perfect play, you are giving up about 5 cents every time you bet $1. Again, when you bet a dollar they give you 95 cents back.

Roulette is for ladies: Well in the movies they’re always dressed nice and sipping Champaign with real studs. Dad took me to a casino in Europe last year and they really did look like that, but you’re not going to find it in an American casino. Not only is the atmosphere different, but the game is different also. The house edge in an American casino is about 5%, because of the two green numbers, 0 and 00. In Europe they only have one 0 and that reduces the house edge by about a half, to 2.5%. So, if you want to look great sitting at that table, make sure you take that stud to the table with only one 0. Make sure you use his money though. Remember for every $1 you bet, you are only getting back 97 cents.

Baccarat is for people with class: This is the game of James Bond. Most of have seen him go for broke as he declared “Banco” in one of the old movies. Even in American Casinos the Baccarat pit dealers wear tuxes. In Europe it does look like that and the ladies wear outfits that cost more than the annual salary of most poor jerks. Well their studs need that money, because Baccarat has a pretty good house edge too. With excellent play, it is hard to reduce it to less than 5%. 7% is about average. So for every $1 they wagered they got back 93 cents. Since the wagers were of thousands of dollars, they could have easily bought another outfit.

Craps has no class: Craps may have no class but it is the closest to a fair game you can find in a casino. Also when you hear about someone that turned $100 into thousands at the tables in Las Vegas, they did it playing craps. This is another game that Dad plays occasionally. On those days he feels real lucky, he might go to the craps table for a few passes, but never for much money and once he looses is initial stake he heads for the poker room. I’m not sure how to bet it. He does have a system. Maybe I can get him to explain later. If you use the right betting scheme the house edge for craps is less than 2%, but still you give them $1 and they give you 98 cents back.

Other new Games are flashy: They hypnotize you as they slowly take your cash. All of these games like Caribbean Stud, Red Dog, or what ever the newest game in town is, are designed to separate you from your money. They bring them in so fast these days that it is actually hard to keep up with real odds. Dad just stopped trying. He simply avoids them, and so do I. The average is probably 7%. Give them a $1 and they return 93 cents.

Keno is the worst: Of all the casino games, Dad says that Keno is the worst game in the house. The house edge is more than 10% and might be higher than 20% for some of the more exotic wagers. Any time someone hits a big Keno jackpot in Las Vegas, the whole Keno department is fired because the management believe it had to be a set up.

Sports Betting can be profitable: According to Dad, you can find situations in sports where you can have a positive expectation. It seems to work for him he tends to make money on it, and I can tell when he has a real good weekend. He takes me shopping. Anyway I don’t really care about sports that much. I only like the cycling because of those great spandex wind suits the guys wear. If someone really wants to know and there is a lot of interest I can always ask dad, but beware he uses lots of math. It gives me a headache.

Poker is where it’s at: Well now down to business and what I know the most about. Dad was a very good teacher and I fare very well at the poker tables.

Always start with good hands.
Flirt. It distracts them
Never chase a better hand. Fold.
Smile a lot. They won’t play hardball.
If you have the best hand, bet the pot or the maximum.
Talk to them. They can’t think about three things at the same time and poker will be the one that gets dropped.

Queen of Hearts

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